The Art of Seduction: TCK Male Chronicles
For the sake of science, and the greater cause of humanity, one TCK Male sets off on an empirical journey to discover the romantic intricacies of women, worldwide. On his quest into unchartered territories (well, not completely unchartered, but how many can claim a voyage to woo the world?), he propositioned females from different countries (disclaimer; all above the age of 18) to understand where the TCK Male stands when it comes to serenading and courting the opposite gender:
The Art of Seduction: TCK Male propositions an Australian
TCK Male: (TCK Male extends his hand for a handshake) Hi, I’m Danish Khan.
Australian Female: Dayynish? As in ‘croissant’? Or someone from Denmark? Is that your name?!
TCK Male: I could be none or all of the above, depending on what you’re looking for.
Australian Female: You don’t look like you’re from Denmark.
TCK Male: Is that why you have mild disappointment written all over your face?
Australian Female: Yes.
TCK Male: What I lack in looks, I make up for in charm and charisma.
Australian Female: Where are you from, though, honestly?
TCK Male: A bit of the east and a bit of the west. Yin and Yang. A living, breathing, paradox...
Australian Female: I have no idea what that means.
TCK Male: Neither do I - that’s my charm and charisma keeping you on your toes.
Australian Female: So much so, that I’m about to walk out of this conversation.
TCK Male: Okay, okay. Hold up. I was born in Pakistan, moved to Australia when I was 9, moved back to Pakistan when I was 11, moved back to Australia when I was 14, moved back to Pakistan 3 years ago, and am now on holiday back in Australia.
Australian Female: So that makes you...?
TCK Male: A human being? I can also vouch that I’m a male; have all the functioning pre-requisites, and encourage you to carry out a thorough due-diligence.
Australian Female: I’d rather not.
TCK Male: And my trump card; I’m circumcised.
Australian Female: WHAT?!
TCK Male: It’s traditional practice for Bedouins; a rite of passage into their world of sorcery and witchcraft. Would you like to be part of that world with me?
Australian Female: (Australian Female looks visibly concerned)
TCK Male: I’ll have you know that since I have my own Bedouin harem, you shall be considered for the post of third wife. (TCK Male pauses for thought) Or concubine. Both are highly sought after positions, so you should be flattered.
Australian Female: (Australian Female is sweating profusely)
TCK Male: If you play your cards right, I may even vouch for you to become the local deity in my village.
Australian Female: (Australian Female reaches for pepper spray in her handbag)
The Art of Seduction: TCK Male propositions a Pakistani
TCK Male: (TCK Male extends his hand for a handshake) Hi, I’m Danish Khan.
Pakistani Female: Do I know you?
TCK Male: No, which is why I am introducing myself, and extending my hand.
Pakistani Female: Do I know anyone who knows you?
TCK Male: Probably. In developing countries like ours, there are only about 2-3 degrees of separation. Anyway, since you speak English and I do too, we’re probably from the upper social strata (the strata where all members tend to interbreed, turning it into one massive incest pool). I’m sure someone I know knows you, or will end up breeding with you.
Pakistani Female: Why are you speaking with me?
TCK Male: I didn’t think I would get a tap on the shoulder from the moral police for introducing myself.
Pakistani Female: So you just took the liberty of waltzing up to me to start talking?
TCK Male: Waltzing implies elegance and finesse. This is very observant of you. Should I be flattered or aroused?
Pakistani Female: You should turn around and walk into the abyss.
TCK Male: ‘Abyss.’ Such sentimental wording. I must have clutched at your heart-strings!
Pakistani Female: (Pakistani Female thrusts her hand into her purse) Right now, I’m clutching at the pepper spray in my handbag.
TCK Male: Seriously, though, what’s your name? I think I’ve seen you around, in one of those elite gazette magazines.
Pakistani Female: You probably have, but I still don’t know why I should be speaking with you.
TCK Male: Because I’ve got an Australian passport.
Pakistani Female: And I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you.
TCK Male: (TCK Male reveals Australian passport from his left pocket) I always keep this handy for moments like these.
Pakistani Female: (Pakistani Female begins batting her eyelids) Oh, in that case, I’ll tell you a lot more than just my name.
The Art of Seduction: TCK Male propositions an Indonesian
TCK Male: (TCK Male extends his hand for a handshake) Hi, I’m Danish Khan.
Indonesian Female: Where are you from? Are you related to Shahrukh Khan?
TCK Male: I’m Pakistani. No, I’m not, but he’s my uncle. You may have heard of another actor, Salman Khan. He’s my brother, but don’t tell anyone. I like to keep a low profile. You see, there are only a handful of Khan’s in the world (maybe 15 or 20), so I tend not to tell people my surname. But I felt you would appreciate the gesture. You seem trustworthy.
Indonesian Female: Ohh! But wait, Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khan are Indian, and you’re Pakistani. That doesn’t make any sense.
TCK Male: It’s a tragic story. Pakistan and India went through partition just 10 years ago in 1997. Families were split up across borders and I lost my uncle and brother overnight. I don’t watch any Bollywood movies now because it’s a dark reminder of our fractured Khan family.
Indonesian Female: Oh that’s terrible! I can’t imagine what you would have gone through. Tell me more about yourself.
TCK Male: I’m just chugging along, doing the best I can. I spend my days distributing our family’s generational wealth amongst the downtrodden peasants, opening schools and hospitals for the underprivileged, fighting injustice, and righting the world’s wrongs. Not because I want to do it, but because it’s my duty.
Indonesian Female: (Compassionate tears form at the corners of Indonesian Female’s eyes) You’re an amazing man.
TCK Male: I’m just doing what I have to. So. Are you single?
Indonesian Female: No, I’m married.
TCK Male: Would you ever consider taking up the post of third wife? (TCK Male pauses for thought) Or concubine?
Indonesian Female: (Indonesian Female reaches for pepper spray in her handbag)
And what were the great learnings from my voyage? Being a TCK, most people will take a lot of what you say at face value. This gives you power. With that power comes great responsibility. But also the propensity to humor yourself greatly, should your propositions ever go downhill.
*Author’s note: These are just anecdotes, I don’t get pepper sprayed every time I meet a new woman. Mostly.
This article was first published on 16 August 2016