Lady, Stop Telling Me What to Do
“I am a lifetime away from perfect, but I do the best that I can” – “Bessie, I Don’t Blame You” by Johnny Gallagher Jr.
At one point I was studying up on my self-development. As a third culture kid, I’m always open to learning new things about myself and gaining new perspectives. I believe if I can improve myself, I can improve the world around me.
There were probably other reasons I was drawn to self-help books. In Sophie Craston’s research article, ‘Self-help and the surfacing of identity: Producing the Third Culture Kid’, she notes that TCKs may be drawn to self-help because it helps “manage emotions and thus govern subjectivity.” It also gave me the “authority of knowing an experience.”
I wanted to see what behavioral changes I could implement to make shifts in my life. I wasn’t necessarily feeling stuck (okay, maybe a little) but I wanted to acquire tricks to develop a new mindset. I found myself drawn to spirituality, bought a few books to learn more and considered it a sort of experiment, thinking: will this actually work?
The truth about gurus:
The first guru I got into was Gabby Bernstein. I wanted to find ways to crystalize my spiritual practice because I wanted to discover new parts of myself. In my current practice I meditate, do yoga and even pray (which I never thought I would do). However, I wanted to mix it up a bit.
Initially I was excited but then I started to feel that her vibe was negative, heavy and inauthentic. Not only that, the stories she shared didn’t relate to the average person; “manifesting” a beautiful mountain home in Connecticut, being stuck in an elevator and not being invited to a party. For people who are genuinely struggling, these examples don’t resonate; especially during a pandemic where many are unemployed. She seemed unaware of her privilege in terms of both her race and economic status, too.
However, her recent book You Are the Guru addressed racial and other social injustices, and she even acknowledged her privilege and provided more down-to-earth stories for readers. I’m grateful she introduced me to some concepts and practices I’ve applied in my daily life, like Rage-on-the-Page. It is a journaling technique based on Dr. John Sanro’s work where you write everything that’s on your mind (no filter) with bilateral music in the background for 20 minutes.
I have also benefited from her concepts/mantras of being open to creative possibilities and speeding up by slowing down. These practices have been useful in my situation but she’s also shown me gurus aren’t all they’re made out to be.
Are you a tourist or a traveller?
I felt similarly while reading Eat, Pray, Love. The travel aspect of this self-development and self-growth story captured my interest immediately, as it might any other TCK.
However, once again, not all of us have the privilege of getting $200,000 advance to write a book about traveling the world and ‘finding oneself.’ I felt uncomfortable with some of the orientalism, superiority, white privilege and white saviorism that was displayed in the book.
When I travel I want to connect with local people in an authentic way. Whether it’s learning the native language or their customs, I do this out of respect for the culture. There is a distinct difference between being a tourist and a traveller and those are the stories I am more interested in reading, as well as the journeys I am more invested in.
While traveling to Japan the very first place I visited was Sensoji Temple (it was two minutes away from my hostel). In the sweltering summer heat I delighted in simply watching the rituals. Later on during my trip, I even partook in a few myself. I remember complete serenity and bliss washed over me. I learned the importance of slowing down and witnessing what life has to offer. Sometimes, embracing new cultural rituals in an authentic way can be a great form of self-development and self-help.
Is that Jazz Yoga class really going to help?
When I see how other cultures have been appropriated for the purposes of self-development, I feel so frustrated. Passing by various studios in Manhattan for example I see that yoga has become the complete opposite of a spiritual practice. Y7 does hip-hop yoga. I even saw a flyer advertising jazz yoga not too long ago!
In Japan, I truly discovered the importance of being present in the moment. Meditation and yoga are now a permanent part of my life when it once was just a passing thought. I learned meditation on my own and used guided sessions online that resonated with me. Even taking the time to close my eyes and just focus on my breathing clears my head. When it comes to tough situations I love the mantra “peace begins with me.”
I’m open and more willing to learn and question my third culture kid identity as a result of my meditations. I’m also curious and want to explore new thoughts and belief systems, but I need to interrogate what they are propagating too.
In the case of self-help, I feel it's riddled with more problems than solutions. In the end, you know yourself better than anyone. You, ultimately, need to decide what you need to do in order to improve and achieve your goals. Embrace and fully feel all your beautiful, messy emotions without judgement and negativity.